Once, when I was mired deep in guilt and shame at my sins, I realised how merciful God is, as I thought, if it would please or satisfy God for me to go to hell, I would, rather than repent and sin again, insulting His grace and surely displeasing and dissatisfying Him further. I considered it perhaps preferable to be tortured as the wretched sinner I am, rather than live a disgraceful inconsistency between good and evil, constantly offending things so holy. But it couldn’t please God for the worst sinners to go to hell, because I wasn’t in hell, and the Son of God lived and died and lived again to save us sinners from hell, apparently with no regard to “justice”.
Realising God’s mercy was always there, regardless of my sin, even caressing my sin, greatly deepened my feeling of guilt against such a kind God, but made it healthy and hopeful, and showed me that repentance/penance is a great duty to merciful God, rather than a selfish opportunity to escape God’s justice. His love is inescapable and terrible, revealing all the darkness of sin by His light, and inviting us in, to be bathed in His light. It is God’s unbelievable goodness that makes evil so terrible, and His unending mercy that makes guilt truly unbearable.
God bless you