I don’t really talk much about my own life here, and certainly not about my mental health. Suffice to say for now, that it feels like its falling apart; like everything I have relied on and hoped for is being lost before my eyes.
And it serves me right. Why? Because I literally asked for it. It was for a long time my prayer, and still is, that God humble me completely. I guess I just didn’t see it looking like this…
As my “everything” seemingly falls apart (I suspect and hope the situation in many ways isn’t as bad as it sometimes feels), I see that I’ve been trusting and hoping in things that aren’t God. And that’s the way to certain disappointment. Yes, I was hoping in God too, but not in God alone.
When I reached my recent lowest, I felt and believed that all that I have and I am is nothing, that all that I have and I am is completely worthless and useless. What could anyone possibly want with me? What could God ever do with this?
But this is pride. To suppose that my weakness– my nothingness– limits God in any way, is madness.
‘Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.’
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
I look to the cross, and I see that God isn’t victorious by strength, but by faith and obedience. It is in Christ crucified, and in Him alone, that I am to place my trust. It is by dying to self, living in reckless sacrificial love, in union with His holy cross, that I am to live and serve God.
‘I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead.’
So here’s me. However much or little (or nothing) I am, I am God’s, and that is all I need. I’m not called to be strong or talented or valuable, but merely faithful; the victory is His concern, not mine: how could I ever achieve resurrection?
I just hope and pray God lets me remember and accept this when I really need to.
P.S. I feel I should also mention, that a part of this feeling of losing everything was the loss of my supposed righteousness when I fell to a certain sin. Thank God I lost this illusory righteousness. I am a sinner, and my only justification is God’s love for me.
I have no righteousness, but I share in Jesus’ own. I have no life in me, except His.
God bless you again
Oh, how my heart broke when I read this. When we hit bottom we really hit it don’t we. It is just now after many years of searching, praying, going to Mass, talking with Priest, and reading the Bible, that I am finally coming out of some of it. You know I will be lifting you up in prayer and of course Mass tonight.
God calls you “MINE!” What helped me more than anything is when I started loving all of God that was in me. I love that more, then I hate all of the other. I found peace in that.
Now let us do something here. Let me tell you what you have done for me, just by blogging.
I always see and hear God in your words, first and foremost. I have always seen your love for Him. I have also always admired the wisdom and faith in your words. I have come to you for advice from time to time, so I have to respect something in you to do that, now don’t I?
I have followed your blog. Hmmmmm….. maybe that is because you always say something that I need to hear. I have always admired your faithfulness to so many things. You have given me direction at times with your comments/post and made me stop a moment and think.
Oh “dreadful sinner” that you are! Come and sit on the Church pew with the rest of us, please. You are welcome. When you do, no matter what, when you walk up to receive the Eucharist, Jesus is standing there holding His arms out to you. When you get up there He is going to place them around you, and say, “I love you!”
In my books you are righteous. That does not mean we will not fall into temptation. What it does mean is, when we do, we confess it, trust in the Lord’s forgiveness, dust ourselves off, and begin again. God never placed a limit on the chances He gives to us. He just wants us to take them. If I did not believe that, I would have given up a long time ago! Love and God Bless, SR
Thank you, your words mean a lot to me, and I think I’ll return to them in my need. And thank you even more for your prayers.
God bless you always :)
It is my honor. What are we if we cannot pray for one another. Just realize there is more to value within yourself then you think there is. Sometimes we ourselves do not see it, but others do. I believe at times we need to hear it from them. Have a great Easter. Love and God Bless, SR
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